Minutes ago we bought our plane tickets. Yes, our plane tickets to South Korea. We have come to realize that we are needing to leave sooner than we thought, for various reasons, and our leaving-sooner-date is much sooner than is emotionally comfortable for me right now. It's official. We leave the United States for South Korea next Friday, August 8th. That is exactly 10 days from now, and it is scary.
Yesterday we took our second trip to the Korean Embassy in San Francisco for our second try at Visa interviews. This time we had all of our paperwork in order and were able to actually carry out our interviews instead of being rudely shut down and shoved out the door (like the first try). I have to say, when you've got your shit in order, Koreans are much nicer to you. All that to say, we are now proud owners of E2-Visas that will enable us to live and work in South Korea.
We have been co-habitating with my family (and more specifically, my parents) for about 3 weeks now. I can't honestly say that it has been perfect, however, as I reflect upon our time here I am grateful for these weeks with my family. I know that coming back to live with them once again has not been easy, but spending this time with them even if we are yelling at each other allows me to experience these relationships in a way that I will not be able to for a long time: face to face. And it helps that they threw us a party (which was wonderful, by the way; thank you to all who came and blessed us!).
After the party this weekend I experienced a complete emotional breakdown. It was late Saturday night and we had just finished cleaning up most of the debris from the party when I stopped to read a card from one of my best friends. She had given us two cards, one for the both of us and one specifically just for me. This card, the one just for me, was the one I sat down to read. I should have known then and there that that card was dangerous, but I decided to just read it anyway. I opened it. It was one of those cheezy cards with pastel colors and 57 lines of "do you remembers" and friendship analogies.
I made it to the third line before bursting into tears.
On top of the 57 lines already printed on the card by Hallmark, my friend had written her own personalized volume in ballpoint pen on every spare inch of the card. There was so much truth in it and I couldn't help but feel overwhelmed with sadness, guilt, grief. Even now typing this, I can't remember the words in the card, but I remember the feeling. I cried poetically and gracefully over my card as I read my friend's words, tears falling from my face to the card slowly, like in the movies.
And then it hit me.
I was the one leaving.
My family, my friends, these people who love me and care for me in ways that are beyond description will still be here.
I'll be gone.
Panic set in. I was crying violently now, you know, the ugly kind of crying where you can't breathe and your face swells and everything feels lost. I knew that this move to Korea would be like ripping my roots out from under me and this felt like the first big tug.
I have never had to say "goodbye" to my loved ones in such a way as this. And to be doing it by choice often seems crazy inside my head. Doubtful, frightened thoughts creep in and ask me questions like, "Are you sure you want to do this?" and "Why would you choose to leave all this goodness?" And I often roll these questions around in my brain for far too long, jumping back and forth with anxiety. But somehow I always come back and sit quietly in reassuring, loving Arms where grace flows and peace settles me down. I remember that I have my strong and wonderful husband to lean on and go with me, and I remember the ways in which this entire adventure is all part of God's plan. Yes, it may end up being the hardest thing I have ever had to do; to leave everything and everyone I love for a world that I know almost nothing about. But I'm not in bad shape to have my John as my travel companion and our God to go before and behind us (Psalm 139:5).
So, August 8th it is.
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5 comments:
I have been there too.
I will say... it never get easier. But it is worth it. The Adventure of following God is filled with both tears of joy and sorrow. And both are good.
Press on
Joshua
I love you dear Ferial!! It is truly amazing to see how God has been with you both as you have progressed in planning for this trip! I know that you will make such great and new friends and adventures in Korea and that the love you have shown us will be magnified in South Korea! <3 It still doesn't mean that you can't cry and certainly you will--but the Father knows this and He does things like this so that we are drawn closer to Him. Be strengthened, friend! We are praying for you and we love you both very much!
As your friend already said, "press on."
Ashley and Morgan Reed
again, for a person who is good with words I am speechless...I am not sure if I will get see you before you leave...maybe it is better this way..I don't know. It is great to know that you one of my best friends will be going to Korea with her husband who loves her dearly. God is going to bless you guys in amazing ways. I am reminded of the scrapbook I made you guys. The journey continues...
with love,
renee
Dearest Ferial,
As I am in transition to New York, as my roots are being lifted from the soft warm soil that now surrounds them, I can relate to the feeling of spinning out of control, of losing, of loss.
I had a dream the other I was
outside late at night. I glanced at the sky and saw the moon and the sun, the sun burning dark and intense. Suddenly, the sun caught fire and the nearby moon collided with the sun. The sky went black, and I found myself being sucked to the ground along with those around me, feeling an intense pain physically and psychologically. I knew in a horrific, beautiful, eye-opening way, that I was going to die.
For days after that I had a hard time sleeping at night for fear of my dream. I now understand what this dream meant for me.
My world, the gravity that holds my life together is going to be completely shifting. It will be intense, powerful, enlightening, and painful. They say change is painful. It is. Change is pain, and in turn, pain is growth.
You are leaving goodness in your life. Just as when plants rooted in the earth are lifted and leave behind small tendrils in the earth to die, we do as well. Things will never be the same. This is part of the wave of life, each portion of your life with morph and change.
The essence of your soul dear Ferial, is the only thing that will not change. The innocence and child like goodness and kindness you will fight to keep intact. That is the gravity of your life. The goodness that attracts and defers.
I regret that I have not made more of an effort to see that our paths crossed more often, but I still hold you in my heart as a soul that I treasure.
Seek Ferial, as you are by making this journey. Seek what makes you happy. Seek what makes you full. Seek what causes you to know that this life is worth living, for happiness and pain.
Sending you love and thoughts, and loving energy, and looking forward to hearing of your next great adventure (and certainly not your last!),
Alice
well sweeties i have checked out all the blogs and read them all. looked at all the pictures and i still think you both are nuts! But having said that and knowing theres not a damn thing i can tdo to change it i will just say i love you too nuts very much, take care of each other be carful and gods speed!!!
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